Asunder

Story by: Shannon Kelly As seen in Envision Magazine, Issue 9

Divorce. It is a topic that many Christians shy away from, or only speak about in whispers. The label of being “divorced” is shrouded in suggestions of shame and failure. Divorce in the Seventh-day Adventist Church is often treated as a taboo. Even though it happens, few know how to respond. Some individuals who have experienced divorce share the struggles they faced. Dr. Bradly Hinman, Assistant Professor at Andrews University in the Department of Graduate Psychology and Counseling and a private practice counselor specializing in marriage and family therapy, responds to three struggles that many divorcees face.

Identity “I was not going to be one of those guys who gets divorced,” 36-year-old John Weiss said, reflecting on the year 2012 when he lost almost everything. “That wasn’t even a remote possibility in my mind.” John lost many things upon his divorce – his house, his dogs, a lot of his money – but he feels that the biggest thing he lost was his identity. “My label of husband, caretaker, provider… and now getting this new label of “divorced”… it just seemed like it was too much.”

“It is normal to feel a loss of identity during divorce,” Dr. Hinman says. “Beginning at engagement the natural course of many (but not all) couples is for the individual to become less, and the couple to become more prevalent. I believe that is what the Bible meant when it said, “the two shall become one.”” He explains that when a relationship ends, an individual suffers loss of identity because of the sacrifices made for the relationship to work. In a relationship, individual identity becomes less and the relationship identity becomes greater. When people lose their relationship, through divorce for example, the person can feel as though they have lost a part of their identity. Hinman explicates that feelings such as confusion, anger, and grief are common. “Individuals who are suffering from a divorce should remember who they were before the relationship started,” Hinman says. “They should surround themselves with people who are supportive and do things they enjoy. Write a list, keep it in your phone, pull it out and pick one when things get overwhelming.” Individual identity is an important thing to have; knowing who you are as a person matters. But if an individual’s identity is not found in God first, an identity crisis is inevitable. Remember that you are a child of God. “After the divorce was finalized, I spent maybe a year or two, or a few years, just me and God,” John recounts. “God started building a new life for me, and tearing down the old frameworks and the bad assumptions and helping me reexamine stuff from the past that needed to be dealt with.” John explains that since his divorce, God has been building a new life, as new identity for him, grounded in Christ. Today he serves as a producer at Your Story Hour.

Can God Still Use Me Now?

“I was so upset and broken and in pain,” a 35-year-old Theology professor at Andrews University says, recounting the story of her divorce. “I really thought I was going to lose everything.” She feared she would be let go from her job. “Who wants a divorced woman teaching theology?” she asked, laughing at the irony. She also thought she would lose her church ministry duties. She had been doing Pathfinders and youth work for quite some time. “I thought… I’d never be happy again,” she said simply. “I would look at my finger and miss my wedding ring… I felt like I wanted to hide my hands.” She wrestled desperately with shame and self-confidence. Despite these struggles and fears, her worst fear was not for herself; it was that her divorce had somehow damaged God’s reputation, simultaneously damaging her ability to work for Him. “What good can God do through me now?” she wondered. “I’m tainted. I’m dishonorable to His name.”

“People who invest their life working for God feel called to arrange their life as perfectly as they can,” Dr. Hinman responds. “Divorce is a serious matter for many Christians, and I feel it would be natural for someone who has devoted their life to service to the church would feel a sense of loss while going through a divorce.” He goes on to describe how this loss of the ideal life could be seen as a step backward, as loss, a failure, or a blemish on the worthiness of the individual. Dr. Hinman gives advice on what a person can do when experiencing shame or doubting whether he or she can be used by God: “Talk to a counselor, surround yourself with supportive people, and talk to other people who have successfully dealt with significant feelings of shame.” Satan loves to deceive and discourage us, trying to make us feel that we messed up too much for God to love and use us for His work. However, the Bible is replete with individuals who were sinful human disasters, and God still used them in mighty ways. King David, Abraham, and Moses all failed in terrible ways, but God used them mightily. No one is ever too tainted for God to transform into His servant. Although the first year after her divorce was tough, Rahel says that God has turned this into one of the greatest witnessing opportunities of her life. I did not lose my job or my ministries! I have been in counseling and groups for years and God has used that, along with many other wonderful people and experiences, to bring me great healing and joy. In fact, God has turned what I thought would destroy me, into something powerful!” She shares her story publicly, showing the healing power of God’s love and grace. “He has given me joy beyond imagining with His presence and care.” She continues to lead her church’s pathfinder club and youth group while serving as assistant professor of Biblical Hebrew.

An Uncertain Future

37-year-old Andrews University student and United States Air Force veteran, Amy Manjarres, was married for five years before her divorce. In July of 2014, while stationed in Turkey, the Air Force notified Amy that she would be one of many to be discharged. It was a devastating blow. Not only was her marriage falling apart; now her career was too. Soon, Amy found herself unemployed and newly divorced. Her whole future, so set in stone not long ago, was uncertain. She felt like a complete failure, longing for something in life that would make her feel worth her existence. “The fact that I became one more statistic was devastating,” Amy said.

“In this case, both her career and her marriage were supposed to last for a very, very long time,” Dr. Hinman explains. “When things are supposed to last for a long time and they don’t, we go through a period of mourning, anxiety, and powerlessness.” A good job and a thriving relationship are factors that give us a sense of accomplishment. If these things are taken against our will, it makes us question how much of any of our life is within our control. Hinman says, “Divorce can be devastating, but in my opinion, should not necessarily be viewed as a failure. What people in this position generally need from other people is a listening ear, understanding, and compassion. Many times, it helps people to feel better just to be able to express themselves and talk about the awful turn their life has taken.” In addition to this, he counsels that helping a person plan for what to do next can help with attaining a sense of control and getting back on his or her feet. It is human nature to want control over our every circumstance, to want a concrete plan for our lives. But things do not always work out that way. Even in the face of an uncertain future, God promised us that no matter how hopeless the future seems, He has good plans in store. We can truly claim the promise given in the familiar text, Jeremiah 29:11: “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord. ‘Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (NIV) As to how she is now coping with the uncertainties about her future, Amy says, “It causes anxiety; however, I’m working on being more dependent and trusting of God. I try to internalize Bible examples of God’s faithfulness to man, and I am also trying to take courage from close friends’ personal experiences with trusting our Father.” Today, Amy is pursuing a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and she hopes to use her new profession to serve Christ.

How should individuals in the Church respond when one of their brothers or sisters in Christ is going through a divorce?

“Be supportive, loving, and accepting,” Dr. Hinman says plainly. “I know that sounds simple, but these qualities are vastly underused today.” He explains that many persons are uncomfortable around topics such as divorce or death, but instead of reacting in judgment or condemnation, we should ask what we can do for the person. “We should not offer advice unless they ask,” he cautions. “Unsolicited advice can come across as judgment or condemnation.” Our Heavenly Father reminds us in Isaiah 43:2, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”